I woke up immediately anxious this morning, not wanting to go to work. Here I am though, sitting in the work canteen bright and early. I should be proud of myself for getting here, but all I can think about is how much I don’t want to be here.
It brings me no happiness to be here anymore, and I think that’s linked to the fact that I don’t know what I want anymore. I don’t know if I want to stay in my senior role, or if I want to cut all extra responsibilities and go back to just coming in, doing my job (nothing more, nothing less), and then just going home.
These days, I just find myself so anxious in anticipation for all the questions I’m going to get from my team. I never used to be so worried about this, but the pressure to then also get as much work done as possible while supporting everyone is just getting too much. My issues are towards the way my team is currently running, other colleague’s attitudes and abilities, and the way the business works in general, and these aren’t things that I have much power to change. I know this means I should try and let go of how I feel about it, but I can’t. If I have to work for a living, then I want it to be somewhere I have faith in, and I just don’t have faith in the company I work for anymore.
So logically, it would appear I should be looking to leave. But then I stop and think about how anxiety and depression can alter our view on things. I’m scared that I can’t trust how I feel, and this is holding me back from making any changes because I don’t want to make a decision that I look back on with regret. I worked hard to become a senior, and I deserve my role, but the real question that I can’t figure out an answer to is do I want the role?
Or do I just want to give up everything because I don’t feel good enough anymore?
How am I supposed to figure this out when I can’t trust how I feel? How long am I supposed to wait before I know whether I’m thinking clearly? I’ve never been the type of worker to just settle for the bare minimum, I’ve always been a hard worker, and now I feel like I just don’t have as much to give. My brain tells me I want to cut my hours and distance myself from this place, but then I think if I want distance that much surely I should just find a new job?
It’s hard. Its hard because I like familiarity. I’m good at this job, its an easy commute, I have flexible hours, I get an amazing holiday entitlement, and a bonus every year. The benefits are what’s keeping me here.
Maybe I just don’t want to admit that I need less responsibility these days. Maybe I’m afraid of how I would look if I said that. Maybe I’m afraid that if I say that, that eliminates any possible progression I could aim for if I feel up to it in future years. Maybe I’m just so damn scared all the fucking time that I can’t just make a decision.
I mean, what’s the worst that could happen!? I cut my hours and my responsibilities, so what? I don’t owe anyone a damn thing, especially not my energy if I feel its being drained. I’m sick of this damn fear, sick of this overthinking. I could go round in circles, but I just need to make a damn decision!
I can’t deal with this constant inner debate. I guess I just have to try and get through one day at a time.
On My Mind 