So after my blog this morning I went and started work, and kept repeating over and over in my head that it was going to be a good day.
It’s been anything but.
I ended up crying and having to leave the office, all over this one stupid case that is haunting me! I ended up crying madly to my manager and letting out all the shit that’s bothering me, and I told her straight that I want to quit. I have no idea what I’m doing anymore, and I don’t feel capable of doing my job. I told her I can’t work like this.
She’s going to see what she can do about moving me to another team for a little while. I just can’t give myself a break though. I like the idea of going to a new team to get a break, but then I tell myself immediately that as a senior I shouldn’t need a break, I should be able to just handle it. I can hear the mindful thoughts in my head trying to remind me to be kind to myself, but the truth is I hate the way I am.
I hate that my capability levels are dipping. I hate that I’m depressed. I hate that I’m anxious the whole time I’m at work. I don’t want to accept myself because I want to be better than this. I act like it’s the end of the world to be the way I am, but I’d never ever make anyone feel less of a person for struggling with mental health issues. So why am I such a bitch to myself? What makes me so special that only I’m not allowed to struggle?! Who am I truing to prove something to, and why can’t I just accept that I’m okay just the way I am!?
I want to be positive. I want to love myself. I want to feel comfortable admitting out loud that sometimes I can’t cope as well as others and THAT IS OKAY! But wanting it doesn’t make it happen. I feel like if I was to start asking for additional support then I just look like someone who can’t handle things on their own. I’m nasty to myself, and no matter how long I go being positive, I always end up right back here, staring at myself in the mirror with almost pure hatred.
I don’t deserve it. But I feel powerless to change it. I wish I could stop caring about how other people perceive me at work. I mean, is it really the end of the world if people think I’m a little bit loopy? Is it going to cost me my job? What would it matter really if I just focused on me and only me. Why shouldn’t I be selfish?
I just feel so stuck in my own head. I thought I was on the up. But I guess that’s the thing with mental health, it’s just unpredictably shit. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
On My Mind 