Last Friday I wrote a post about small victories, and I set myself a few goals for the week. I’m proud to say that I completed every goal I set.
My first goal was to go for a walk. I need to bring exercise back into my life and this seemed like a nice, easy way to get started. I’m proud to say that I actually went one up on this goal, and instead of going walking I actually managed to make it back to the gym! It was busier than I’d hoped it would be, so I did feel a little overwhelmed, but I stayed for an hour anyway. I was disappointed to see just how unfit I was compared to when I was going quite regularly last year, but that’s the way life goes. If you don’t stick with something, you lose the results.
My second goal was to put the laundry away. Such a simple task, but it’s the one that always seems the hardest. Luckily, there wasn’t a lot of laundry to put away last week, so I managed to get this done. I also managed to get another load in and put out to dry. Laundry is one of those chores that makes me frustrated. The tediousness of it almost makes my blood boil.
My third goal was my most important one: To not apologise for my illness. I actually expected this one to be really hard, because of how guilty I always feel for taking time off of work. I went back to work on Tuesday, and it went okay. In my meeting with my manager I explained that I felt guilty, but at no point did I apologise for being the way I am. My manager is a good friend of mine, so I’m very lucky in that area. I told her how I felt like I couldn’t do what the doctor had said and try to do things I enjoy because of the guilt it made me feel. Her response made me laugh. She told me that if anyone ever saw me outside of work at the cinema, or the gym, or the supermarket, or any other place I was afraid to go, and they reported it back to her, she’d basically tell them to mind their own business. I’m so grateful for her.
So I’d say the last week was a success. I’m back at work trying to establish a routine, and am trying to challenge my negative thoughts daily. My referral to occupational health was completed and I had an assessment phone call on Wednesday. I spent an hour on the phone talking about everything I am experiencing symptom wise, and we went through tests to check my anxiety and depression levels. The tests suggest I have severe depression and moderate to severe anxiety. Occupational health said they believe I need to go back to my doctors, and ask for a second opinion or to be referred to a psychiatrist. I will do this, but given that I always feel worse after visiting the doctors I’m not looking forward to it. I managed to get an appointment for 3rd August, and I’m going to take the occupational health report with me. The report suggests that I have Generalised Anxiety Disorder which I’ve always suspected, but never had confirmed. I’m just so sick of 10 minute appointments where you can’t go into enough detail to really get anywhere. I know I need to get firmer in these appointments, but I get so timid at the doctors. I need to go in, and be adamant that I want to see a specialist. Occupational health even went as far as to say that if my doctors refuse, I should log an official complaint. I guess my biggest fear is causing all this fuss, only to see a specialist and be told either there’s nothing they can do to help, or that I’m making a mountain out of a molehill. I have this constant fear that I’ll just be seen as an attention seeker or a hypochondriac.
But, I don’t have to worry about this until the 3rd August, so I’m going to try not to dwell on it up until then. I’m trying to always remember what Newt Scamander says in the fantastic beasts movie, “worrying means you suffer twice.”
So I’m going to set myself a few more small victory goals for the next week:
- Go to the gym again. Even if it’s only once again, it’s better than nothing. Or, if this seems overwhelming, go for a swim instead.
- Cook one meal from scratch. I make a killer spaghetti bolognese. I mean, I don’t usually toot my own horn, but I am the spag bol queen. It’s been a long time since I had the energy to really cook anything other than an oven pizza, so at least once this week I want to try and cook a meal from scratch, by myself. My husband deserves the break from cooking.
- Listen to a guided meditation before bed. There are so many great videos on youtube, and they make me feel so relaxed. Trouble is I often fall asleep halfway through! I’d like to try and listen to a whole video without falling asleep, so I need to pick a short one.
I’ll try and check in again to see how I’ve done in around a week. Good luck to everyone else out there trying to reach a goal!
On My Mind 