I’ve been off work this whole week due to my anxiety. It’s not the first time, and I’m not hopeful that it will be the last. I find taking time off sick for my mental health to be something of a catch 22. See, I know all the things I should be doing while I’m off; the doctors always say to relax, and try to do things I enjoy to take my mind off of things. It’s pretty simple advice in theory. In practice however, I find it almost impossible because I end up in a debate with myself that goes a little something like this –
“Okay, I’m off sick, I feel super guilty, but I need to relax and try to enjoy myself.”
“But you haven’t earned this time off Clare! You’re blowing off your responsibilities; why should you get to relax and enjoy yourself when the rest of your team are at work!?”
This makes me feel more guilty, and feel as though I’m letting my team down. I feel like I don’t deserve to relax or do something fun because I’m supposed to be off sick. But as I write this, I can see that this is a thought that I can easily challenge:
“It’s not that I “get” to relax and try to enjoy myself, it’s that I have to try and do this for the sake of regaining some control over my mind! I need to do this, because it will help me. If I don’t do this, it will take me longer to feel well enough to go back to work, so why shouldn’t I do whatever is necessary to get myself back?”
See, this is exactly why I wanted to start blogging. It may seem like such an obvious concept to other people, but up until I wrote that I still felt stuck in that internal debate with myself because I couldn’t think clearly enough to challenge my thoughts. I hate how anxiety can completely blindside me, because almost immediately after challenging a thought, I feel a bubbling embarrassment or disappointment in myself that I couldn’t have just thought of that sooner. I have to try and remember that anxiety is like a great fog that clouds the mind, and not to beat myself up for taking a while to start to see through it again.
This is a small victory for me, and I’m letting myself feel proud of it. As small as it is, it has brought me a little bit of hope that the fog could start to clear now. I don’t know if it’s the same for other people, but sometimes all I need is one moment of clarity, and things start to get a bit easier from then on.
So since this week has been pretty much a total write off, I need to try and stay focused on feeling better next week. I read a blog post earlier about taking small steps, instead of focusing on conquering the entire obstacle, and I found this really helpful. I’m giving myself a few small victory goals for next week:
- Go for a walk – I’ve put on a lot of weight this year, and am nearly at my old heaviest weight from 2 years ago. This is contributing to my anxiety, as I have a low self-esteem and am insecure about my body. I am also a stress and comfort eater. I want to hit the gym and start swimming, but knowing how much work I need to do overwhelms me, especially when I’m already in a rough patch. I’ll start with a walk just to make sure I get some exercise.
- Put away the laundry – It doesn’t need to all be put away in one go, but it does need to be put away. My husband has been dealing with all the housework this week because I’ve been in one of those “I just can’t” mind frames. I appreciate it so much, but as usual, I can’t deal with the level of guilt it brings me. I know that family is supposed to support one another, but I end up feeling like I do nothing, and that I shouldn’t need as much taking care of. I want to be contributing to the housework again so I can feel better about myself.
- Don’t apologise for your illness – Okay so this one is actually pretty hard for me, so will be a big victory if I manage it. Assuming I go back to work next week, I’ll have to have a back to work meeting with my manager. In these meetings, I always feel such a strong need to apologise for the way I am. Even when I’m told by my manager not to apologise, I feel like I absolutely must apologise because of how much guilt I’ve allowed myself to feel. I have to try not to do it this time. I will still feel empathy for the team for being short for the week, but I will remind myself that I have done nothing wrong by taking the time I need. I would never make another human being feel like less of a person for being mentally of physically unwell in any way, and I am entitled to the same level of respect from myself.
I’ll try to come back to this next Friday to see how I’ve managed – good luck to everyone trying to reach a goal, no matter how small or large!
On My Mind 